


What Am I Becoming? (Sanders Sides)

by playertwoisheereandqueer



Series: The Sides Project [14]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: But I like this so, But I'm getting there and I'm sorry, Deceit Sanders for once not being an ass, Good Deceit Sanders, I Posted It, I'm sincerely not trying to make them bad guys, Other, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Tags Are Hard, have fun, i'm really tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 13:37:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15708324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playertwoisheereandqueer/pseuds/playertwoisheereandqueer
Summary: I've been running so long these shadows start to feel like home, and I know it's backwards. It gets so long can't recall what it's like where we're from, what am I becoming?Deceit doesn't like the label he's been given as villain, but he's willing to keep it if it means he can look after the others, no matter how sad or miserable it makes him.A song fic on the song 'What Am I Becoming' by Pop Etc.





	What Am I Becoming? (Sanders Sides)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song 'What Am I Becoming' by Pop Etc. Here's a link to the song here!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7umR81HbN0M

**_You play a little rough_ **

**_But I never knew you were after me_ **

The Sides had never been particularly nice to Deceit, especially Virgil, who he had a history with. But lately, especially what with sending Virgil down to make him stop doing what he did, it seemed that they were targeting him specifically.

_**Now even when I'm alone**_

**_I feel like somebody's watching me_ **

The subconscious wasn’t full of people as the rest of Thomas’ mind was. There were only two others left, and they made Deceit uneasy enough for him to never want to go anywhere near them, and that was saying something. They gave him a feeling… of constantly being watched. Deceit hated that. He just… wanted to be with the others. He wanted to be with the other Sides, to prove that he wasn’t as bad as they had originally perceived him to be.

**_I couldn't smell the smoke,_ **

**_And now I watch the flames_ **

**_I couldn't push myself to quit_ **

**_Oh this dangerous game_ **

He hadn’t seen it coming, not the first time. Virgil had arrived with a fire in his eyes that was directed at Deceit. Not one of the others could stomach the thought of seeing him again, even though they only wanted to tell him off, even banish him altogether. He wished he could stop, but this was his being. His name was literally Deceit. He couldn’t help lying as much as Virgil couldn’t help being anxious, or Roman could help being creative.

**_There's a reason people die out here_ **

**_I can't keep living this way_ **

**_I can't keep living this way_ **

They’d all faded away. There were more, many more… and yet, as time progressed, they were forgotten about and left to die. There were only three Dark Sides left, the only ones Thomas pandered to. Deceit hated that name. The Dark Sides. And yet, it was the title they’d been given. The title he’d been given because he was almost physically unable to tell the truth. As much as he wanted to stop, he couldn’t help it. He hated it here… all he wanted was to be with the other Sides.

**_I've been running so long these shadows_ **

**_Start to feel like home_ **

**_Oh, I know it's backwards_ **

But… as much as he hated the Dark Side, it was his home. It was the only place he’d been accepted, where he’d met Anxiety, found himself a purpose. He’d tried to look out for Thomas, but he’d been brushed off and given the title of villain. He often thought about that. If they thought he was bad, just wait until they met the others… He didn’t want to leave them, they came to him when they needed something, and he didn’t think they’d survive without him… But they scared him. As he assumed the Sides felt about him. That’s why they sent Virgil.

**_This gets so long, can't recall what it's like_ **

**_Where we're from?_ **

**_What am I becoming?_ **

He’d been here for as long as he could remember. Since Thomas was born… they hadn’t found much need for him until Thomas grew older and started acting out a little… He’d surfaced around the same time, officially, as Roman, since the line between acting and lying was so blurred. But when he saw Virgil now, he always looked so lost, as if he forgot just how bad the Dark Side to be. The worst part about it was… he looked so much more relaxed when he came back. Like… he’d come home. Deceit didn’t want that for him. This place was horrible. It was never good for Virgil…

**_Tell me that's enough,_ **

**_But I gotta hunch you’ll be back again_ **

Virgil… He felt so bad for Virgil. He came so often… whenever Thomas lied, they’d send Virgil because he was most adapted to the Dark Side and he knew how to handle Deceit. Virgil, who always comes in looking so confused and conflicted. If that was handling the Dark Side, Deceit would’ve hated to see what happened to the others. He’d come in, tell deceit to stop doing whatever he was doing, and, on a good day, leave. On a bad day, the Dark Side would get to him and he’d break down. But he always seemed so much more relaxed… which made Deceit wonder why he took these jobs in the first place.

**_Believing if I can escape_ **

**_I’m paying with something I shouldn’t spend_ **

He had left, and yet he was coming back again and again. What hope did Deceit have? He’d been holding out on getting out of here eventually… but watching Virgil every time he came back would extinguish that hope a little.

**_I couldn't smell the smoke,_ **

**_And now I watch the flames_ **

He hadn’t noticed at first. Virgil looked normal as ever the first few times. Then he noticed him getting more and more… relaxed was the only word for it. Then it was too late to stop him from coming back again.

**_I locked myself out here again_ **

**_Oh, get through this game_ **

Maybe that was the reason he was still here. He was the only thing keeping Virgil from staying here and letting himself go again.

**_All these people gonna die out here_ **

**_I can't keep living this way_ **

**_I can't keep living this way_ **

If he stayed here, Virgil would disappear, and Thomas needed him. So the only logical thing to do was stay so Virgil wouldn’t. But he couldn’t stay here. Not with _them_. He couldn’t handle it anymore… but he didn’t want to just abandon them. They’d die… and they were obviously needed for something, or else they would have been forgotten with the rest.

**_I've been running so long these shadows_ **

**_Start to feel like home_ **

**_Oh, I know it's backwards_ **

He belonged here with the others. He’d proved that time and time again. If he belonged anywhere else, he’d be there.

**_This gets so long, can't recall what it's like_ **

**_Where we're from?_ **

**_What am I becoming?_ **

The sheer joy he felt every time he lied proved he needed to stay… but the guiltiness he’d feel after doing so made him wonder if that was really so. He was such a different person when he lied… it made him wonder…

_‘What am I becoming?’_

**Author's Note:**

> It took me three days to write this because I got stuck on some lyrics, but I've got another sympathetic Deceit story because a couple of people asked for them. I'll be writing another for sure, but if you'd like to see more, hit me up. 
> 
> Instagram: @marilyn.morose  
> Tumblr: @windowserrornoise


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